Freedom

Freedom.
It's a rare, precious thing, when you think of it.
To stand up and say: "This is what I love, and I'm going to do it. With or without you, your permission, your validation, your approval, regardless of whether or not you value it. I'm going to make this happen, by the sheer force of my will."
Because it is my life.
Where does this come from?
Most likely from being told "No" again, and again, and again. From being smiled and chuckled at, from empty promises heavy with sordid expectation. From naysayers and critics and skeptics hiding safely behind their masks of 'practicality'.
And isn't it funny that those very same naysayers are the ones found sniffing for a piece when everything at last falls into place, when the chips are collected after an enormous gamble.
There comes a point in the lives of all great men and women, where they make a choice to accept the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty, the life of risk and loss and toil and humility-in order to accomplish something truly phenomenal, to carve their legacy into the wall of time.
Those that choose a life of safety will never understand this life. And that is why no one will ever remember their name.
Mind me-I do not speak of fame, because there's no guarantee that you will find fame, or that it will fulfill you when you do find it. In fact, the general consensus is that it leaves one rather empty and paranoid. Those revolutionary beings that have claimed said fantasy recognize it for what it is and move on to greater things in spite of it.
I speak of changing your world, of living for yourself, for the sole purpose of living. I speak of making your dream and your life one and the same. If you wake every day and work towards your goals and dreams, if you live on and pursue in spite of EVERYONE that will tell you "No", then you are truly living a life worthy of recognition, and you will change the lives of those around you with that disposition alone.
I woke a day ago and knew that I would be meeting a 'very big agent' that day. For some silly reason, I felt a small rock of fear in my center. Four years ago, that small rock would have been a wave that crashed over my head every few hours until said meeting was over.
That morning, I evaluated why that rock was there. I have not pursued representation for several years, because I've been booking work successfully as an Independent artist, and working on myself and projects I loved. In those years, I watched my brother and his best friend write, produce, direct, edit and finalize their very own Feature film. A script that I loved, a crew and cast of phenomenal new faces that quickly became a family with which I spent easily the best two weeks of my life so far.
All of this was done with everyone telling them no, they needed to change on this, give on that, wiggle and budge and maybe-maybe they'd be able to make it happen.
They made it anyway, on a wonderful budget, without the help of all of the naysayers and 'practical' people that had promised without delivering. It went smoothly, and everyone had a phenomenal time.
So I asked myself why. Why did I fear this faceless agent that I had not even spoken to yet?
Then I realized-with a little help from my brother-it wasn't her I feared. It was myself. I had already begun to judge myself, to second guess my worth before I'd even heard her speak. For all I knew, this person could be a great ally, and great to do business with. Or I could be useless to their business. Either way, it was simply another audition, another go-see, another job interview. Not one thing about that meeting would change whether I would, or would not, be a great artist.
That part is up to me, and me alone.
And so, that night, I went home and continued brainstorming for my film. Which I'm sure people will tell me is silly, useless, that I must change this in order to accomplish that, so on and so forth.
The fact remains, I'll be doing it with or without them. Being reminded of that, and the endless possibility that came with that, made the air that flew into my lungs that day as I ran through the park that day sweeter than ever.
I thought for certain that I tasted Freedom.
There's nothing quite like that feeling, I must say.

"Signals"

Signals are funny things. They exist in our society as an essential means of communication, but many of them lead to miscommunication. I've been thinking a lot about signals, mainly because the feedback from people I've known a while generally is one of the following:
"When you met me, I thought you were a bitch."
Well, that's uplifting.
"I don't really know what to make of you."
Nice and neutral. Could be a good thing.
" I didn't know if I could trust you."
Well....duh. You had just met me.
"You're a very intense person."
Thank...you?
"I thought you hated me."
No, no, no. I don't hate anyone in the beginning. I give everyone an equal opportunity to embarrass themselves. I expect nothing and end up getting everything, because I listen. Which is much simpler than worrying about sending them the right/wrong 'signals', which sounds like a bad Sci-fi plot.
What I find so interesting about people in general is that no one really sends "signals" anymore-consciously, anyway. There's enough talk about signals-which ones to send, how strong to send them, whether or not you've sent them or if they've been seen-and all the while it turns out you've been sending the wrong ones!
In Elizabethen and Regency England, it was said that everything was done with a nod of the head, the lift of ones eyes, a certain touch of the hand. When's the last time a guy or girl did that to you? Most interactions I see between the sexes are passive aggressive and petty, at best.
I used to torture the men I liked-but that was just because I was a sadistic brat of a girl. It was only later on down the road that I realized how much it had affected them, and by then I was alone. Lesson learned.
Nowadays, I typically just listen-to anyone and everyone I meet. I figure that's what life is about-relationships. There's such an enormous amount of diversity in our world-and no two people are ever alike. Yet I'm often dissappointed at how transparent people are. i meet men and women all the time that begin our first interaction bragging about who they are and what they've done. They'll launch into a half an hour spill about themselves and halfway through I feel I pretty much know everything about them-including several very personal issues they've just confessed to me that I know they'll regret later. They try so hard to impress that they repulse.
I get this from a surprising amount of people-and I can only come to the conclusion that people no longer listen to one another. So when they meet someone that at last truly listens, it's an impulsive reaction to vomit as much as you can-because God knows when they will have some one to listen again.  This makes me sad.
Due to this habit, I have been accused of sending the 'wrong' signals. I had a man once try to kiss me as he suffocated me in what I'm sure he felt was a romantic embrace, and it seemed completely out of the blue. I was shocked and confused and angry-but when I confronted a friend about it, they said- "Well...I mean...I can see how he would think..."
"How?!" I exploded. "How would he just assume that was okay?"
"You're just a really good listener." They said.
What??????? But there was more.
"You've also got this thing where you look at people."
I had to laugh at that one. They said:
"No, no! Seriously. You've got this thing where you look at them and you make them feel like they're the only one in the world."
Maybe that's because I'm paying attention instead of simply waiting for my turn to speak!
I realized shortly after that that was just it! Very few people have actualy conversations anymore-because they don't feel like what they say will matter to the person they're talking to. Or they're uncomfortable, so they discuss mediocre things that can be dropped as soon as one person comes up with a good enough excuse to leave. My favorite is "I have to check on the bathroom. I'll be right back."
For a while I began to wonder if I should just stop being social. Then I began to meet more interesting people, of the same disposition as me. People that wanted to find out about me just as much as I wanted to know about them. That was terrifying, but well worth the many friendships that followed.
My solution? Forget about signals. Listen, and watch. Usually everything you need to see in a potential relationship will reveal itself in 30 to 45 minutes.
I still regress-when a cute guy talks to me, I have no idea what to do. There's a co-worker of mine that happens to be a beautiful man. I teach his son, and he always nods and gives me a warm hello with a smile. My tongue sticks to the top of my mouth and I don't know what I'm supposed to say, so on a bad day I stare at him, swallow and walk away. On a good day I smile big and then turn and walk away. Poor guy probably thinks I hate him-but if he asks, I'll say: "Honestly, you're a very attractive man and I grew up as the fat girl with braces. So whenever a beautiful man says hello to me, I still feel the toilet paper sticking out of my bra and I don't know how to answer him."
I've told this to other people, figuring honesty was best. They say "But you're a model-isn't it like, your job to flirt with people?"
Where do people get these ideas from?
In case you're wondering, no, we don't have to flirt with people. In fact, we're discouraged from doing so. We stand there. That's it. That's the extent of it.
So if you're a cute guy, or someone that's tried to kiss me in the past, or you think/thought that I am a bit 'intense' and 'unnaproachable', then I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change anytime soon. If you'd like to dispel the mystery and ask, that's perfectly fine with me.
Let's ditch the focus on 'signals', people-they aren't helping anyone.
(Except, oubviously, street lights, turn signals, caution signals, etc.-pay attention to those).